It's all too easy to grouse about our bosses, colleagues and subordinates, pointing the finger at bad behavior and disrespectful attitudes in the workplace. As The Asian Wall Street Journal reported last month in our cover story, "The Enemy Within," which identified four of the most common personality traits of difficult colleagues, opportunities to move on from a dissatisfying job are shrinking in economically tight times, so it's even more important to try to cultivate a happy working relationship with the people you deal with on a daily basis.
But what if the person in the office who is most difficult or frustrating to work with is you? With companies looking at easy ways to trim costs, a little self-awareness on how you affect your colleagues may save you a trip to the unemployment line. "When people are being made redundant, 'fit' issues [within the organization] certainly come into play," says Larry Cambron, Sydney-based president of DBM Asia-Pacific, which retrains laid-off executives. "Nine times out of 10 [the problems] are behavioral."
But looking at ourselves in the mirror can present a blurry image. "That's a tough situation . . . because we all have a perception of how we're coming across that might not match what's happening," says Terry Phillips, a Singapore executive coach. We all can't have a job coach sitting by our side, but counselors and executive coaches offer Getting Ahead some questions you should ask yourself to determine if your behavior needs a tune-up.
How often do you get impatient with colleagues?
When hashing out a difficult work issue, are you more focused on winning the argument than on listening to others? The pressures of doing business during tough times make lively debate with colleagues inevitable, but if you find yourself palpably losing patience with others on a weekly basis, it's time for an attitude check, says Mr. Phillips. "If you find you're getting red-necked, high-pulse-rate anger . . . if [during discussions] you often want to show someone that you're upset, maybe it's time to change that behavior."
In addition to an argumentative attitude, Hong Kong job coach Angela Spaxman says, finger pointing is a common sign that the trouble lies within. "If, at the last three companies you worked for, the boss was always the problem, then probably the problem is you," she says.
The key to overcoming frustrating situations in the workplace is to take a step back. "It's very common that [executives] don't feel appreciated, recognized or respected for the work they do," says Ms. Spaxman. "That emotional reaction will blind them to what's really going on."
How in tune are you to what you say and do?
Even the most diplomatic executives, who carefully choose their words when talking to colleagues, may still be sending out negative signals. Only 7% of all communication actually comes from the words we use, according to the book "Silent Messages" by researcher Albert Mehrabian, professor emeritus at the University of California, Los Angeles. Our tone of voice accounts for 38% of meaning, and a whopping 55% is nonverbal communication, including facial expressions and body language.
Hong Kong executive coach M.J. Jennings was asked by a company to coach one of its executives known to be a difficult person -- staff leaving the firm kept mentioning his name as a reason they had resigned. During an assessment session, when Ms. Jennings was videotaping the executive, she asked him to describe why he was having trouble with his coworkers. According to Ms. Jennings, he said, "I know I could be less of a bully, but then things wouldn't get done." When she replayed the videotape to him, "he was shocked," she says -- not just by the words he used, but by his facial expressions and the threatening way he gesticulated to make his point. "I asked him, 'Would you want your mother-in-law to speak to you that way?' " Being demanding doesn't mean being demeaning, but a loud voice, angry expression and threatening gestures do just that.
Ms. Jennings, who specializes in teaching presentation skills, says it's important to read other people's body language as well as to control your own. A closed fist and pointed finger is always threatening; sitting with arms and legs crossed is a defensive posture; a body turned away from the speaker suggests disinterest. Ms. Jennings suggests when talking to a colleague, position your body so it's facing the person, and don't stand if he or she is sitting down, which suggests a position of power. Avoid pointing directly at other people, and never clench your fists.
Do you often complain about office politics?
When laid-off executives say, "I want the next place I work for to be less political," that raises a red flag for Mr. Cambron, the career-retraining specialist. Informal communication is essential in any office, and complaining about politics suggests the person may need to improve their interpersonal skills. "Anytime you get two or more people together, you have a political situation."
Often difficulties networking in the office are an outgrowth of shyness or anxiety dealing with certain personality types, says Ms. Spaxman. "I had one client who was a young, attractive woman, very well educated and rising quickly in a large organization, who felt that the older experienced women [at the company] just had it out for her," she says. In many ways, Ms. Spaxman says, the difficulty the young woman was having with the other women in the office was the result of her own insecurities. "She became defensive, and that sets up an 'us and them' scenario that escalates." Ms. Spaxman suggested the woman make an effort to befriend and get to know the people who intimidated her. "If you're put off by someone in the office [and want to avoid them] do the exact opposite -- make an effort to really get to know them."
Instead of looking at interplay in the office as negative, take a more proactive approach and think of it as a chance to sway others by informal means, Mr. Cambron says. Coffees, lunches and drinks might be derided by some as "politicking," but they go a long way to promote understanding in the office. "Negative politics is when you're just trying to make yourself look better" by belittling others, says Mr. Cambron.
How many times have you complimented your colleagues this week?
If you're struggling to recall the last time you said an encouraging word, but need your hands and toes to count all the times you complained, you may be part of the reason that the workplace is a bitter environment. "If you do the tally and find you're giving more criticism, then it's time to ask yourself how constructive that criticism is," says Dr. Edward Chan, principal consultant psychologist at the Malaysian Psychology Centre, which counsels employees. "Does it come with a suggestion of how to solve the problem? Is your motivation to have the person improve, or to strike back?"
Giving constructive compliments, however, doesn't come naturally to a lot of managers, says Mr. Phillips, the job coach. "Celebrating performance, that comes quite easily -- if you reach a goal, make a sales target, everybody breaks out the champagne," he says. "The part of the equation that's missing, the part that's most powerful, is acknowledging the person, telling them, 'Hey, I know I can always count on you.' " Making one-on-one compliments is embarrassing for many managers, "but acknowledgement of the person is what gives the manager the mileage . . . it does take work," says Mr. Phillips.
